It takes two to be friends

So clearly the theme of this blog has changed.  I will still write about money saving ideas and how we cut corners, but right now my passion lies with being a SAHM.  I made a promise to myself today that I would spend an hour a day either pleasure writing (here) or working on the Great American Novel (I finally have the idea...I think).

As I type this our son is trying to convince my husband to lie with him to go to sleep.  Its 10 on the nose and he is coming up with every trick in the book.  The guy who wrote the "Go the F to sleep book" nailed it.  And last week my MIL rightly told us in no uncertain terms our son plays us like the fiddle.  I am done being played. (update, after his hysterics woke our daughter who I am trying to wean, I *had* to go in so husband could care for her.  son fell asleep literally within 2 minutes)

But today's post is about the status of adult friendships.  I have had this conversation at length with many friends, both childless and with children, married and unmarried. The catalyst was this article today in the New York Times. 

Several friends posted this story today. One "Sophia"* I rarely see, if twice a year, I am lucky.  She has easily the most demanding job of any friend I know.  She is married with one daughter, who is 2.  (update #2, he woke up, so I returned again, sat for a few minutes.  Hopefully this time he is asleep, we'll see).

Anyway Sophia friend is someone who I could call at 3 am if I had a problem and I know that if there was anyone possible for her to help, she would move heaven and earth to do so.  We met during what was essentially our first job here in the big city.  We hated each other immediately.  I have teased her that she was  mean to me and I was certain she wished me dead.  But a few months later, and a lot of wine, as well as commiserating about our horrible boss, we were close.  To this day one of my biggest regrets in life is not being able to attend her wedding because my husband and I were both unemployed.  She is a treasure who I love dearly.  And while I don't see her or talk to her as much as I would like, I don't doubt for a second that the bonds of our friendship are as tight as they can be.

Two other friends, affectionately referred to as "the sisters" were my roommates before I got married.  They have since moved away.  Neither is married, although one is in a serious relationship.  Neither has kids.  Both have demanding jobs.  Haven't seen one sister since last August, and the other since 2010.  Like Sophia, I could call them anytime (and am certain they feel the same way) and know they would drop everything.  And also like Sophia they could walk in my door tomorrow and we could share a bottle of wine (or several), some takeout Thai food, talk for hours, and it would be as if we just saw each other last week.

Finally, there is DA.  We are in many ways as opposite as two can be, but while God didn't give me a sister, he gave me the next best thing, her.  We met in 5th grade and have been inseparable since.  Like the sisters, she is unmarried and childless.  I simply cant imagine the void in my life if she wasn't there. There are no words to describe what she means to me.

Each of these 4 relationships I have worked hard to maintain, but none of them are necessarily as easy to maintain as say those with my married child friends because the reality is my world has changed.  I know this.   But I also know that none of these people wants to hear me endlessly rattle on about poopy diapers.  By the same token all of these women understand that while I may be home all day, my life is far from my own.  I have two very demanding bosses.

The article was about making new friends, and yes its hard doing this the older you get.  I remember the first friend I made in DC 12 years ago.  I felt as if I had gone out on a date I was so happy to have a relationship with an adult I met here, that was genuine and not based on who she knew or could do for me professionally. Little did I know this woman would wind up introducing me to my husband and to this day I will love her forever even if I couldn't tell you the last time I saw her. :)

But its important to keep the old friend, and also be ok when some of the old slip away.  Accept that we all move on. This is easier said than done.

I used to joke I had a harder time when I got married accepting that the sisters moved away as did another friend at the same time I said "I Do,"  than I did adjusting to married to life. Not having the sisters and this other friend in my life was more challenging than dealing with the quarks of my husband. I missed them terribly, a real deep pain.  This other friend helped plan my baby shower, has called me crying about personal details of her life and shared her hopes and dreams.  When her father in law died (during our dual unemployment no less), we made the out of state trek to the funeral.  But somewhere along the way this friend decided I wasn't worth the effort.  I realize that sounds cold, but that's genuinely how I feel.  When my own father passed away I didn't receive so much as a card.  I have seen her all of twice in the last 3 years.  I am beyond sad about this, but there is nothing I can do.  Its life. I know I tried.  But as I have mentioned in previous posts, sometimes we have to accept our own failures, and this for better or worse is one of mine.

Which brings me back to my title.  Friendship is a two-way street.  It doesn't always have to to 50/50, but it has to swing back and forth.  And as you get older, and you have less time to yourself, you have to decide who stays and who you set free.  Who you have time for in your mental rolodex and who simply doesn't make the cut.  When I first came to DC I worked with a guy named Brian. He said to me and my best friend Kate who also worked with me that he didn't have time for new friends.  We were aghast.  Turns out he was right.  She and I joke about that now.

Ok, this is rambly and I having been up since roughly 4 am, and its now 10:51 I want to go to bed. I hope this makes sense.

Btw, I put * next to Sophia's name because its not her real name.  But if she reads this she knows why I changed, and she is named Sophia because when we left that first god awful job the theme song to Golden Girls came to mind then (and still does today). So to her, "the sisters", DA and all my friends, I say...Thank you for being a friend, I love you all more than you ever know.